DISCLAIMER: This article (and blog, The Little Hoax) are meant to be satirical. While the facts about speech and its competitions are accurate, the quotes, points of view expressed, and reactions are meant to be humorous and are fictional.

For years, students with theatrical aspirations have been signing up for the speech program, but now teens all over the school are realizing that it is truly cooler than anything else.

Students are rallying behind the speech team to give it support, and tournaments are packed with cheerleaders and onlookers to watch the school’s thespians work their magic.

Many in the student body are even prioritizing the speech team over sports, choosing to go to rehearsals and support it rather than attending sports practices.

“Sports are great and everything,” Rowan Sleek ‘18, a noted football player, said, “but at the end of the day, theater is just really more important–and more fun.”

As a self-proclaimed speech fanatic (or, as she calls herself, a ‘Spanatic’), Jaime Stripp ’19 is one of many who has plotted out the schedules of rehearsals and routinely ‘rushes’ them in order to gain access to rehearsal space. “I’ve never been more focused,” she told the Little Hoax, fingering the “I Heart Speech” button on her thespian-mask printed shirt. “I’ll never stop. Speech is my only love now.”

Stripp also said that her GPA is up, and she’s “happier than I’ve ever been” now that she has this overriding interest–certainly good things for her.

However, this huge upsurge in the speech team’s popularity is grating on the nerves of many in the club. “We never wanted to be popular,” Astra Matisse ‘20, a member of Choral Reading, said. “We just wanted to act and have everyone leave us alone. Now they won’t stop following us around. They come into our [rehearsal rooms] when we’re trying to work, and they stand and scream outside the door when we close it. It’s really difficult to rehearse in that environment.”

There has even been talk of getting a private security detail for each of the speech team’s members as they walk the halls every day. “The students’ safety is more important to us than anything else,” Principal Bacon said. “If we have to go to the extreme of calling in bodyguards, we will absolutely [do it].”

The superintendent of schools agreed. “If the circumstances don’t change soon,” Superintendent Murley said, “I am fully prepared to hire bodyguards. These kids are getting mobbed…it is my duty to keep them from being hurt by a possibly well-meaning fan.”

The superintendent also brought up the upcoming first speech tournament of the year on January 21st: “I’m honestly worried that students will follow the speech team to their tournament,” he said. “That kind of distraction could ruin their chances at competition.”

But one thing’s for sure: speech isn’t going anywhere. “I guess this is how it’s going to be from now on,” Lilimar Cage ‘17, part of this year’s Musical Theater speech team, said. “For better or for worse…speech is vogue.”