The Little Hoax: Abstinence-Only Sex Ed Is the Way to Go!

Mira Bohannan Kumar, Reporter

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DISCLAIMER: This article and blog, The Little Hoax, are meant to be satirical. The quotes, points of view expressed, and reactions are meant to be humorous and are fictional. Any resemblance to real people is also purely coincidental.


New studies of teens in high school sex ed have yielded exciting results about the effectiveness of our abstinence-only sexual education programs.

Apparently, according to a study done by the National Foundation for Health Education, teen pregnancy rates have gone down in the last ten years, as well as the frequency of STI transmissions. These decreases have happened almost entirely in states where no sex education or abstinence-only education is mandated by the government.

“States that educate teens about contraceptive strategies and comprehensively cover ways to have safe sex have actually had pregnancy rates skyrocket and STI transmissions spike in recent years,” said Robert Abalos, the commission’s head, adding, “These results are not what we were expecting. Personally, I feel ashamed to be even part of this commission.” (Abalos then burst into tears and left the press conference. Bystanders claimed that as he exited, he added, “I’ll clean out my cubicle and go.”)

So what does this mean? Well, it shows definitively that the less sex education high-schoolers get, the better. It means that if teens aren’t educated or are told that abstinence is the only way to prevent pregnancy and STIs, they will automatically understand that sex is dangerous, so they will be abstinent until marriage.

Obviously President Obama’s decision to cut funding for abstinence-only programs and instead direct money toward sex education that helps students understand safe sex has been a failure.

“The truth is that abstinence-only education is the only way to keep kids from having sex,” said Senator Alvin Tramley Tuesday at an official press conference on the issue. “Giving teens information on how to protect themselves will just make them have more sex than a head of cattle under the full moon. It’s dangerous to our families and it doesn’t work. Vote Tramley for 2020!”

These findings also vindicate Congress’s attempts to fund abstinence-until-marriage programs, attempts which have been ongoing for more than thirty-five years. It’s good to know that a forty-year program and nearly two billion dollars in federal funding have paid off: abstinence-only education seems to be yielding results.

And more good news: LGBTQ+ students seem to especially be benefiting from the absence of health ed. “While LGBTQ+ students in states like Connecticut and California, which include them in their sex ed programs, are contracting more STIs than ever before, those in communities which don’t teach them about their identities and sex as it pertains to them are much more healthy and have no problems whatsoever,” said Monica Giovanni, the CSY PR consultant, who replaced Abalos after his teary departure. “As the latter category includes nearly all of the nation’s health education initiatives, this is welcome news.”

The new administration is working around the clock with the heads of the NFHE and the CSY to pioneer initiatives regulating sex ed and making it illegal to teach it comprehensively, but some are protesting, demanding more studies to verify these results. “We aren’t going to grant these requests,” said Giovanni. “These are facts, and they have been confirmed by several different studies: the less sex education, the better. If people can’t understand that the government is obligated to do what’s best for our teens, then they don’t have the right to call themselves Americans.”