Welcome back to your weekly horoscope, your own personal prognostication system advising you how to live your life depending totally on the month of the year you were born in.
Aries: A chance sighting of Joseph Stalin at the 1st Avenue Hy-Vee will leave you to ponder whether reincarnation is real. To save you the headache: it is.
Taurus: No, blue is not a flavor.
Gemini: Have you ever laughed so hard you passed out? No? Well, wait until you see what the stars planned for you this week.
Cancer: Let’s play Kiss, Marry, Kill: global warming, inflation, capitalism!
Leo: If you find yourself becoming a fan of musical theatre, I would advise you to run for your life, but it would already be too late.
Virgo: Tomorrow you will discover that something important to you has mysteriously disappeared. Then you’ll find it three days later in your backpack.
Libra: Good news: wearing bell-bottoms is technically still legal.
Scorpio: Is this the real life, or is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide? You can’t escape from reality.
Sagittarius: Your Secret Service training begins at dawn. Forget everything you think you know.
Capricorn: What if peanuts were allergic to humans?
Aquarius: Combine the first three letters of your middle name, the second and third letters of your favorite animal, and the sound a friend makes when you push them down the stairs. That will be the name of your firstborn child.
Pisces: This week, pay attention to the person who looks you deepest in the eye. This person is either in love with you or planning on selling your soul via the black market — the outcome is unclear.