DISCLAIMER: The Little Hoax and its horoscopes are a satirical blog. (…Or are they?) Follow this advice column at your own discretion.
Aries: Your impulse control is dwindling. You might end up signed up for a yodeling class within the next week.
Taurus: Try not to fall into any active volcanoes or anything like that.
Gemini: You are likely to have a birthday within the next 365 days.
Cancer: The ghost who dwells in the corner of your room wants to be friends with you but is too introverted to make a move. Try setting out some nice welcome cards or a cake before you go to bed to strike up a neighborly relationship with this spirit.
Leo: Avoid all hot beverages until further notice.
Virgo: For the rest of your life, you are doomed to turn in all your library books two days late.
Libra: This week, you will swap bodies with anyone who asks you what the time is. However, you will only remain swapped until somebody responds with the correct time.
Scorpio: Purchase a first aid kit as soon as possible. This is not a suggestion.
Sagittarius: You can develop a telepathic connection to the dead betta fish in the back aisle of Walmart if you stare at them long enough.
Capricorn: It will be in your best interest that you always double-knot your shoes.
Aquarius: Your memories of a past life will return to you this week in the form of influenza-induced fever dreams.
Pisces: The ting goes skrrrahh pap pap, ka-ka-ka skibiki-pap-pap, and a pu-pu-pudrrrr-boom skya, du-du-ku-ku-dun-dun, poom poom