DISCLAIMER: The Little Hoax and its horoscopes are a satirical blog. (…Or are they?) Follow this advice column at your own discretion.
Aries: Go vegan or you will never find love.
Taurus: Only you can prevent forest fires. No, really. The entire fate of the world’s natural forests rests on your shoulders.
Gemini: Lost your car keys? Blame Scorpio.
Cancer: The weather is getting colder and so is your outlook on life. But never fear! There’s nothing like hot chocolate that completely burns your tongue off to make your seasonal depression go away.
Leo: Careful when descending staircases — the steps are closer together than you think.
Virgo: I’m sorry that we must diagnose you with a condition known as karma-induced narcolepsy: you will spontaneously fall asleep during the day, and you will do so during the worst possible times. This can only be prevented by speaking in monosyllables and smiling constantly for the entire day.
Libra: Prepare to eat a very good bowl of chicken noodle soup on Thursday night at 6 PM.
Scorpio: Vinegar in your toothpaste? It was definitely Gemini.
Capricorn: For the next 168 hours you will not experience a single emotion. You must make your decisions based on cold, calculated logic.
Aquarius: There are $500 with your name on it hidden in the hollowed-out stump in the lower lot.
Pisces: Michelle Obama is so disappointed in you. You know what you did.