DISCLAIMER: The Little Hoax and its horoscopes are a satirical blog. (…Or are they?) Follow this advice column at your own discretion.
Aries: Individuality is great and all, but you can’t be unique if you don’t have any friends to compare yourself to.
Taurus: Look to the smallest details for guidance this week. Sometimes what seems to be the most insignificant detail can be the most important twist of all. So keep an eye on that hangnail… it could forecast murder.
Gemini: When facing conflict, you must always strive to be the bigger person. Try carbs.
Cancer: Turn the other cheek. Because with all the projectiles being thrown your way, you’re going to have to.
Leo: Stay hydrated. The haters will be so jealous when they see you consuming your recommended daily helping of filtered H2O.
Virgo: Dwelling in the past is a waste of your time. Focus instead on all the mistakes you’re making right now that you’ll inevitably regret in the future.
Libra: You will find something important that you tragically lost years ago. Unfortunately it will not be your sanity.
Scorpio: Global warming? Heating climates and flash flooding everywhere? Construct a buoyant zoo. I mean, it worked before.
Sagittarius: The holiday season is stressing you out, so to let go of all that built-up tension, try banshee screaming.
Capricorn: Love will visit you in the form of a rampant wild animal pursuing your vehicle for hours on end.
Aquarius: You will experience an unquenchable thirst for Panera’s cheddar-broccoli soup for the entirety of the week.
Pisces: Often our deepest fears define who we truly are. But since your biggest fear is that you’ll be abducted by rabid Teletubbies in the middle of your wedding reception I’m not really sure what to tell you.