DISCLAIMER: The Little Hoax and its horoscopes are a satirical blog. (…Or are they?) Follow this advice column at your own discretion.
Still undecided on your New Year’s resolution? Look no further. If you are wise you will heed the advice of the stars and good luck will follow you promptly into 2018.
Aries: Resolve to pick up new hobbies. Some ideal pastimes for Aries may include croquet, recreational yo-yoing, butter churning, and sword-swallowing.
Taurus: Write a business plan! You know you’ve always wanted to pioneer the first vegan, gluten-free, allergen-free and environment-friendly solar-powered bakery, so take the steps to make 2018 the year it finally happens.
Gemini: This year, if you haven’t already, start keeping a journal. Your friends are sick of you constantly complaining about all the fake people and terrible tragedies in your life. Just write it down and everyone will be a whole lot happier.
Cancer: Dedicate the year to developing a positive attitude. Any emotion besides absolute elation is NOT an option.
Leo: It may be wise to look back on last year’s mistakes and learn from them. As much as it pains you, it is in your best interest to finally put the foot down: lay off the Sour Patch Kids.
Virgo: Many people resolve to cut calories upon New Year’s, but you shouldn’t be told what to do with your health life. You are beautiful just the way you are and healthiness is in the heart and soul. Don’t feel forced to change your appearance just because your friends are going on health trips.
Libra: Go on a health trip! Shed the 2017 stress and in the process get a 12-pack. Don’t forget to encourage your friends to join you in your new-found metaphysical revelation and spread the growth of the yearly guilt trip.
Scorpio: Butter-churning might be useful in 2018, so look into it.
Sagittarius: Remember to prioritize the people in your life who matter most. So for you that’d be your masseuse, the belly-dancing instructor next door, and Stephen King.
Capricorn: 2018 will be the year you finally do what you’ve always been yearning to do. Learn to churn butter.
Aquarius: Your athletic abilities will finally shine through this year. Your water-treading skills will turn the heads of thousands, but remember to never use a bowling ball weighing over 25 pounds.
Pisces: Don’t be a fish out of water. You’re swimming upstream, but don’t forget to keep all your channels open. (Channel 9 has a butter-churning program on Thursday nights.)
Here’s to a butter new year.