DISCLAIMER: The Little Hoax and its horoscopes are a satirical blog. (…Or are they?) Follow this advice column at your own discretion.
Aries: There might be something strange floating in your coffee this week. Its actual identity is unknown, so it could be very good or very, very bad.
Taurus: Don’t listen to anything Capricorn has to say. They’ve been plotting your demise for at least a month and will stop at nothing to see it through.
Gemini: Learn sign language. You’ll need it. And not for the reasons you think.
Cancer: You will suffer a slow and moderately painful death at the hands of a close confidante.
Leo: Your inner Beyonce will shine through this week.
Virgo: Oh my god, is that Beyonce?!
Libra: You know better than to listen to this horoscope garbage. The stars are disappointed in you.
Scorpio: In search of a new health regime? Try the new Pterodactyl Diet. No, not like where you eat the things a pterodactyl ate. You only eat pterodactyl. Costco probably carries it.
Sagittarius: Whatever they tell you, don’t lose faith. Webbed hands are a blessing, not a curse.
Capricorn: You’ve noticed Taurus has been a little on edge lately. Invite them to coffee to patch things up.
Aquarius: You will have an epiphany that illuminates for you all the solutions to humanity’s problems. Unfortunately, you will forget this plan before you have the chance to begin its execution.