I should start off by saying that I have a pretty sensitive tongue. Sure, it’s not that I don’t like spicy food, (if you ask me, it just adds a little spice to the meal, if you know what I mean). I just prefer to know if something is hot before I eat it (I mean, we can all only eat so much blue Takis before our head turns into a literal teapot). Multiple times, I have asked a waiter whether something is spicy, they tell me no, and then guess what? IT WAS SPICY. And OK, maybe this is just me. I’ve talked to many people about pepper being spicy, and it usually ends with them giving me a look like ‘Pepper isn’t spicy, you idiot.’ And that’s true in small amounts. But please, when have you ever seen pepper in small amounts? 

Americans love spice. We add pepper to our dishes, our chicken, our beef, and anything else that goes well with it. Growing up in a family that didn’t add any sort of spicy substance to every meal, I didn’t get the same tolerance for spice I’m sure that many of you shaking your heads while you’re reading this article thinking ‘Pepper isn’t spicy’  developed. But enough about that. At this point, I should really be used to a hint of pepper every time I eat at a restaurant. It’s sort of my fault if I’m not ready for that hint of spiciness. But the tolerance that Americans seem to have is nothing compared to that of Mexicans.

Let’s be real for a second. I’m sure that many of us have eaten in a Mexican restaurant before. As I mentioned before, multiple times I’ve asked a waiter if something is spicy, and multiple times they’ve said no and it’s spicy anyways. Ugh. But this turns out to be a huge problem in Mexican restaurants, because they seem to have an even higher tolerance for hot foods than Americans. For me, I’ve written the following code to keep me from being shocked by unexpected spiciness. For those like me who have a sensitive tongue, you might want to pay attention to the next part:

• If you’re in a restaurant, and a waiter says a dish isn’t spicy and it looks or sounds spicy, there’s about a fifty-fifty chance that it will be hot.
• If you’re in a Mexican restaurant and a waiter says a dish isn’t spicy and it looks or sounds spicy, then it is highly likely that it is spicy.
• If you’re in a Mexican restaurant and a waiter says that a dish is spicy, order a large drink and be mentally prepared for some pretty hot food. Or, you know, don’t order the dish.
• If you’re in a Mexican restaurant and a waiter says that a dish is pretty spicy, do yourself a favor and order a cheese quesadilla.

It should be mentioned that while Mexican food is pretty spicy, Indian food really takes the cake. If you go to an Indian restaurant, bear in mind the second part of my code:

• Indian food is hot. If you order something that isn’t sweet in an Indian restaurant, there’s, like, a 90% possibility that it’s going to be spicy.
• If a waiter in an Indian restaurant tells you that something is spicy, order some milk, tea, anything. YOU WILL NEED IT. Also expect that you may be visiting the bathroom more than a few times. (You know, because of all that liquid you will undoubtedly drink)
• If a waiter in an Indian restaurant tells you that something is very spicy, high-tail it out of there unless you have some kind of superhuman tolerance or just a very strong desire to obliterate your taste buds. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.