Let’s Get Satirical: War has been Declared!… Again!


Ellis Fontana, Reporter

The snow is falling, the lights are shining, the voices of carolers echo down the streets, the gift wrap section is thriving, the prices are up and the Christmas season has started. Already you can feel that joyous feeling all around as people dangerously set up lights, complain about the weather, and create advance plans to escape Thanksgiving with your relatives for those sweet, sweet deals. Truly this is a very Merry Christmas… Or is it?!? Look around you sheeple, the spirit is gone from this world and the government is trying to destroy our very basic rights to hang oversized socks on our chimneys or put plastic trees in our living room, and now they even want to replace everyone’s favorite holiday with just another corporate abomination, like Easter.

Every year this onslaught by the government continues in one form or another, and every year we must fight against each ridiculous rule or regulation. First we couldn’t have Jesus Christ in Christmas, which is absolutely ridiculous, I mean it’s in the name for Christ’s sake! Then we couldn’t have nativity scenes in our parks. How else am I supposed to witness Jesus’ birth again? On my neighbor’s lawn? No thank you, mine is already better. And now we can’t even say “Merry Christmas”. Now we have to say something stupid like “Happy Holidays”, I mean who even cares about those other holidays, have you ever met someone who celebrates Kwanzaa? Exactly. They even tried to replace Santa with Jack Frost! Who the frost cares about him?! What kind of child would want to sit on the lap of a homeless man named “Jack Frost” and tell him what they want for Christmas? That sounds like something you would need a PSA for.

It’s because of these horrid actions that we as Americans have to face the hard truth: We Are Under Attack. You may choose to ignore it, but no one can deny the fact that we are fighting a guerrilla war and the enemy is everywhere, just like Home Alone 2. They’re hiding in every corner, waiting for us to spring their dumb traps. Well not this time MSNBC! This year will be different, we will no longer succumb to your stupid “constitutional regulations”, whatever that means. This jolly holiday the people will rise up in protest against tyranny and this night will not be silent for we will be jingling all the way.

For too long I have felt unlawfully oppressed as a white christian in this country, and these spirit-dampening laws are the reason. I mean, the year is 2014 and your average man cannot even celebrate Christmas in peace without the government knocking down his door and taking everything he owns. Or maybe those were the tax collectors? I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that it’s unfair and I won’t stand for it anymore! It’s time we take charge of this situation and bring the fight to the White House! Soon their mailbox will be overflowing with hundreds of angry letters, and then they will know that we mean business this time.

And for those of you who think I’m “over-reacting” or “blowing things out of proportion”, if you check the news you can this is becoming an international crisis as well. Recently South Korea announced plans to put up a giant Christmas tree in Seoul, and North Korea responded by threatening to bomb it. That’s right America, if you try to bring down our holiday spirit then you’re just as bad as North Korea. Do you want to be North Korea, America? Of course not, no one wants to be North Korea, even North Koreans don’t want to be North Korea. On top of that, some places like the Middle East are absent of Christmas completely. Instead they celebrate Hanukkah or something like that.

I believe that it’s about time that we stop ignoring the real problem at hand and face it like a man. Just think about the children for once, and the effect that this war will have on their future. If we fail here our kids will grow up in a world without Christmas, they’ll never know about Santa, or what a Christmas tree is. They’ll never see snow again because Christmas is gone from the land, without Christmas they’ll never know right from wrong because Santa isn’t there to tell them. And worst of all, they might never experience eggnog. So just do yourself a favor and think about that the next time you “forget” to put up your Christmas lights this year.