Hello there, my name is Stove Harley, who is in no way related or knowing of our grandiose superintendent, Steve “Donger Queen” Murley. However, I am here to talk to you fellow students in the defense of Steve “DQ” Murley and the complaints about the “cold”. Now I’m here to give you some of that education that you would be missing if you had decided to have stayed home because of the “big bad storm.”

It all started one Monday when my son woke up at 6:47 and 22 seconds. Which is approximately 3 minutes and 15 seconds later then when he should be up and ready for literally anything, anything. His excuse for this heinous blasphemy to the schedule was “But Pa-Pa! It’s -2 degrees outside and my nose is going to fall off!” Well I just can’t stand for that. I won’t let my son dishonor our good Harley family name by worrying about a couple of stupid fingers. Why, when I was his age I had to walk through four feet of snow every day to school, without clothes. By the time I was 17, six of my fingers had frozen off. And by the time I was 20, three of my new fake fingers also froze off and I had to get new ones. So when one of these vagabond youths talk about losing one of their precious pinky fingers, I get personally, and physically offended. What does he even have to complain about? I’ve known for a long time that my son will never have need for his fingers.

That all being said, apparently my son wasn’t the only one complaining. I was Snapchatting some other parents that morning when they also mentioned that they had a similar problem. Encouraged by this citywide scourge of cravenness, I immediately set out to prove those punk kids wrong in order to validate my own sense of importance. And lo-and-behold I struck gold. Right there in our- I mean the rules it says “School will be cancelled if the morning forecast shows frostbite times of 30 minutes or less”. Which to me is far more than reasonable. If I were in charge, which I’m totally not, I would make it “5 minutes until horrible frostbite death” You know why? Because education is suffering, the AP tests taught us that a long time ago. By exposing our children to the horrors of nature itself we can finally begin to step onto our God-given path of natural selection and begin to weed out the weak from the strong. That way we can finally beat China in education. Damn you China and you’re superior winter wear!

In conclusion, I believe that if going to school isn’t the same as scaling the peak of Everest then it’s not even worth going to PE. So everybody should stop complaining because we’re- I mean they’re just following the rules and sometimes we just need to let our superintendent just do his job! Because sometimes the superintendent would just like to go the office for ONE DAY WITHOUT ANOTHER GOD-DOOFILY COMPLAINT ABOUT HOW “CHILLY” IT HAPPENS TO BE. YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECES OF POOP.

Sincerely, Stove Harley xoxo