The movies of yesterday are often respected for what they are: spectacles that are able to tell inspiring stories with a minimum use of technology and a maximum use of “epicness”, as the stoners of our generation might say. To this degree, Steven Spielberg’s War Horse absolutely succeeds, by using its two and a half hour runtime to tell a sprawling story. Here’s the thing, though. This story sucks. This is a film that relies most of it’s story on some of the most laughable, ridiculously cliched moments in cinema history. This is another film that can be tossed into Spielberg’s trash bin, next to Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and 1941.
The film’s title is meant to be taken quite literally, as its set in World War I (and, in fact, it’s mentioned some 17 times throughout the movie), its about a horse named Joey(voiced by Chris Tucker- just kidding, though I wish) who is raised for all of about four days by a young lad named Albert Narracott (Jeremy Irvine, in his feature debut), in which Joey is taught, against the assertion of his father Ted, how to plow. Only a few days after Albert and Joey become intertwined, Ted decides to draft his own horse, deeming it a “waste of money.” What follows is a series of events involving the horse switching hands between the British army and the German army, whom, for some reason, speak English the whole movie.
The problem with this movie isn’t its acting. In fact, for the huge dumbness factor of the movie, the actors seem to do a fine job in their roles, with my favorite performance coming from Benedict Cumberbatch (TV’s Sherlock, the superb Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy), who plays a British general. Though most of the roles are minuscule in favor of putting the horse at center stage, they still deliver in a most satisfying way. The problem with this film is that it’s so freaking cheesy. Within the first 30 seconds of the movie, John Williams’ obnoxiously epic score is blaring through the theater’s speaker system, and we’re introduced o a drunken man who can do nothing but disappoint his wife and kids. There were so many moments that either made me roll my eyes or ask the question. “Why did this happen?” One second the horse is running through a lush green field with his extremely happy owner, and the next, he’s literally been flipped into a bunch of barbed wire (don’t worry, it’s not a spoiler). Do you really know what the moment was that made me go from being severely disappointed to very severely disappointed? The ending. That ending. If it hadn’t happened, this review might be slightly positive. But it happened, so this review isn’t positive.
Alas, this is a movie that will certainly appeal to the majority of moviegoers, and it’s something that I can completely understand and respect. It’s very heartfelt, and it does attempt to pull at the heart strings at any moment it can, and the cinematography is quite impressive. So, I might go on a limb here and actually recommend this movie, because I truly believe that most of the people that see it will enjoy it, which is something that’s needed these days with movies. If you see it and end up not liking it, I completely understand as well, and I’ve given you a full warning.
My Score: 5/10
