Aries: This is your week for success. Try underwater basket weaving–you might find a hidden talent.

Taurus: Don’t watch any basketball games. You’ll only be disappointed when your team can’t score a goal.

Gemini: Watch out for intruders in your kitchen. They might say that they’re only there to bake a cake, but they’re actually doing something much more sinister–making oatmeal raisin cookies.

Cancer: Clean your room this week.

Leo: Look in the smallest pocket of your backpack. That thing you’re missing is in there.

Virgo: Any wish you make will come true, but only if you wish for your hair to magically turn purple or for your dog to have puppies. Also, wishing for more wishes is not allowed.

Libra: Congrats on making it into the musical! Unfortunately, you will succumb to a horrible illness the week you start rehearsals, and will inevitably find out that the watermelon seed you ate last week did, in fact, start growing in your stomach.

Scorpio: No, you’re not stuck in a time loop. Stop questioning your reality.

Sagittarius: If you start now, you can finish your math homework by 10 pm and still have time to fight the monsters under your bed.

Capricorn: Eat some chocolate. You deserve it after failing that test you studied really hard for. Or maybe you didn’t study at all. Then eat some chocolate anyway to drown your sorrows.

Aquarius: Fun fact: your favorite book is actually a biography about your life.

Pisces: Take risks. That great white shark won’t feed itself.