Winter Horoscopes by the Little Hoax

Reese Hill, Reporter

DISCLAIMER: The Little Hoax and its horoscopes are a satirical blog. (…Or are they?) Follow this advice column at your own discretion.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): You may find that your usually energetic attitude is hampered during these next few months, experiencing lethargic tendencies and a general repulsion at all things society offers. At first, perhaps you assume that this is just the usual seasonal depression. I regret to inform you that it definitely is not. You have been infected by a parasite sent to Earth from higher beings. The assimilation will be complete by early March.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): In the spirit of the season of giving, you may be in an unusually helpful mood. Do not hesitate to give somebody the shirt off your back. Actually, just give them your back. Spine and everything. They’ll need it more than you do.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): The Holiday Season is a wonderful time for Gemini, with all the two-faced family at social gatherings and the icy wind matching your warmth-deprived soul. Take this as a compliment. The energy you absorb from tense family dinners and killer winter blizzards endows you with so much power you’ll have risen to god status come spring.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Significant changes are in store for Cancer this season as the new year approaches. You thought you went through puberty already? Well. You were wrong.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22): It’s true, Leo – everything in life really does happen for a reason. So adopt a laissez-faire policy this winter, and just let whatever happens happen. Don’t be concerned by the awful grades you may receive, the rodent infestations, or any impending murder charges. It’ll all make sense soon enough.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22): Don’t let the holiday cheer blindside you to the perils and dangers that you have yet to face. Do not go near the red icing, no matter what. You’ll thank me later.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22): Be wary of wolves in sheepskin. Some might try to take advantage of your understanding nature during these weeks of forgiving. But you know better than to forgive those cowards who hurt you before. That girl who picked you last for the kickball team in second grade? She’s far from changing her ways. And don’t think for a second that you don’t deserve revenge.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21): It’s the perfect time for you to start exploring new passions and wild modifications to your current lifestyle! After the first weekend of January, you may begin searching for a hobby to take up. If you need any suggestions, you may just have a hidden talent for making animal noises. Join a competitive mooing team and watch your social life soar!

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21): You may be in a place right now where you are full of many aching doubts and impossible decisions. Perhaps you have a lot of questions you’ve wanted to ask the sky. Well, the universe is just as confused about what you’re doing with your life as you are. It’s probably hopeless at this point.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19): You must obey the following tasks precisely. 1) Stash packing peanuts beneath your best friend’s mattress. Make sure you are not seen. 2) Run from the men on the street. They will try to turn you. Do not let them. 3) Eat all of the flour in your house. 4) Sit and wait for further instructions.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18): With the stars in your corner, your creative juices will finally begin flowing again! Prepare to slam all your projects out of the park. Unfortunately, these aren’t the productive creative juices – although you’ll finally finish that crocheted iguana vest you’ve been dreaming of, it is unlikely any of your academic assignments will reach completion.

Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20): Your financial life is going to boom with a sudden flowing income of moolah. Ride this high where it takes you. However, it may also blind you to the rapid disintegration of your social life and the disappearance of those you were close to. Not saying your friends secretly sold you to Satan on your behalf, but that’s pretty much what I’m saying.