Hey, so remember before when we posted “weekly” horoscopes? Yeah that was a couple months ago. We’re back for real this time, so be sure to check back often to have your destiny revealed.
Cancer- Is this turning you on? Good.
Leo- Dad, I’m gay…
Virgo- If you’re not listening to the Little Hawk News and Entertainment Podcast, you probably won’t find love this year. Just sayin’.
Libra- Do you hate Mamma Mia as much as we do? Of course you don’t, that’s impossible.
Scorpio- Did you hear about the bear that was let loose in City Hi–a;sdlkfjasdf
Sagittarius- BEARZ ROOLE HUMEN HI SKOOL!!1!
Capricorn- The best way to take out a bear is, surprisingly, with a thumbtack.
Aquarius- Your good looks and amazing wit will get you… Nowhere.
Pisces- If you haven’t seen Dolphin Tale yet, I highly recommend it. However, I don’t think it’s quite as good as Baby Geniuses.
By Gabriel Brasile and Nat Alder
