DISCLAIMER: The Little Hoax and its horoscopes are a satirical blog. (…Or are they?) Follow this advice column at your own discretion.

Aries: You’re going to regret that last-minute schedule change.

Taurus: New year, new you! What’s a better way to start the school year by switching up your hairdo? Ever consider bringing back frosted tips or artificial feather hair clips? The 2000’s are in, baby.

Gemini: Contrary to popular circumstance, you were not born when the stork brought you to your parents’ doorstep. You arrived via carrier pigeon.

Cancer: As it turns out, the closest you ever got to finding true love was smashing ants with your third-grade crush at recess.

Leo: If you eat A lunch in the stairwell on the third floor before the next full moon, a friendly ghoul will materialize from the walls and become your guardian angel for the remainder of the school year.

Virgo: A Schnoebelen metaphor a day keeps a bad score on the AP Chem test away!

Libra: You, and only you, have the power to uncover a secret parking lot… a parking lot that will save us all from the horrific traffic massacres we must face against the blocked-off jock lot. You will lead us on an epic quest for these preciously empty parking spaces, and when we find them, you will be crowned a hero.

Scorpio: Your locker combination holds a mysterious butterfly effect; for every time you twist the dial, somewhere else a hapless freshman falls down the stairs.

Sagittarius: Never use a south-facing toilet.

Capricorn: Don’t cry because it’s over, cry because it’s only just beginning.

Aquarius: You’re going to find the secret to happiness… but you’re not going to like where.

Pisces: The straw you politely declined at Panera saved a sea turtle’s life! Unfortunately, you hit a baby fox with your car on the way to the restaurant.