DISCLAIMER: The Little Hoax and its horoscopes are a satirical blog. (…Or are they?) Follow this advice column at your own discretion.

Aries: If you were a mode of transportation you’d be a red tricycle with only one wheel.

Taurus: If you were a food you’d be a single green olive left in the sink.

Gemini: If you were a bird you’d be an albatross. A big one.

Cancer: If you were an ancient Egyptian pharaoh you’d be Nakhtnebtepnefer Intef III.

Leo: If you were a sociopath… let me rephrase that. You are a sociopath.

Virgo: If you were a dessert you’d be nougat.

Libra: If you were a romance novel you’d be Twilight.

Scorpio: If you were an unpopular olympic sport you’d be dressage.

Sagittarius: You’re Shrek.

Capricorn: If you were an unknown holiday you’d be Step In A Puddle And Splash Your Friends Day.

Aquarius: If you were a zodiac sign you’d be Aquarius.

Pisces: If you were a color you’d be pervenche with a dash of watchet.