DISCLAIMER: The Little Hoax and its horoscopes are a satirical blog. (…Or are they?) Follow this advice column at your own discretion.

Aries: People admire you for your ability to win any debate, but boy, will they be disappointed this week.

Taurus: No matter how hard you try, tasseled silk vests will never be in style.

Gemini: Look behind you.  The first thing you see was the murder weapon.

Cancer: Respond to any circumstance with “big mood” one more time and a horde of flying monkeys will eat your entire family.

Leo: Fashion is bubbling in your blood this week.  Draw some inspiration from current design icons Sophia the Robot and Melania Trump.

Virgo: It’s been a long time since you reminisced with a certain childhood friend.  It’s best if you can make that time even longer.

Libra: Whatever’s been bothering you is about to get way worse.  But don’t worry – you won’t feel a thing.

Scorpio: Don’t take for granted your impeccable ability to keep a secret.  When a close friend confides in you later this week, it will require all your willpower to keep your mouth shut… even if you know where they hid the body.

Sagittarius: On Tuesday, avoid the color yellow at all costs.

Capricorn: You’ve been waiting for this moment your entire life, and by the looks of it, you’re just gonna have to keep on waiting.

Aquarius: Whatever big life decision you just made was definitely the wrong one.

Pisces: No horoscope for you this week.  (Sorry – budget cuts.)