Iowa City Schools Cancel Space-Time Continuum Due to Inclement Weather

Reese Hill, Reporter

DISCLAIMER: This article and blog, The Little Hoax, are meant to be satirical.  The quotes, reactions, and points of view expressed in this article are meant to be humorous and fictional, and any resemblance to real people is entirely coincidental.

The past four weeks have been a feverish blur of snow days, two-hour delays, and weather-related early outs, and there is still no end in sight. In response to this continuous onslaught of winter storms and awful road conditions, the Iowa City School District has made the decision to go ahead and cancel the Space-Time Continuum for the remainder of the 2019 school year.

“It was a difficult decision, for sure,” Superintendent Steve Murley said. “After a long discussion with the other administrators, we figured everything would be simpler if we went ahead and abolished reality on our own before the weather destroyed us all instead. We were putting the families through too much with cancellations and postponements so we ultimately decided, let’s just cancel everything.”

Principal John Bacon sipped his cup of coffee and nodded. “It was becoming logistically impossible to reschedule all these sports meets and classes, but now that the very universe as we know it is going to be destroyed, we won’t have to worry about that anymore.”

Initial concern over how this would affect the school schedule for the rest of the year was quieted by the reassurance that with this change nothing will have significance anymore. With frequent sports cancellations, activities being indefinitely postponed, and inconsistent schedules about when tests and classes should be made up, the general population found removing the Space-Time Continuum from the equation was inevitable.

“The weather got so bad, we had to cancel the Speech Home Show, which is the only thing I was looking forward to,” thespian Timmy Brown ’19 said. “The musical was cast weeks ago and we’ve only gotten to rehearse maybe two and a half times. Between these random intervals where we’ve actually had school or practice, all I can do is sit at home and think about what my life would be like if everything was normal. I just… sit at the window and stare at the snow.” Brown clenched his hands into fists and stared intensely into the void. “Everything I care about has turned to snow.”

The weather has harmed not only after-school schedules, but the mental health of all students and teachers forced to go to class in these conditions.

“I don’t remember what it’s like to be able to walk outside without getting frostbite or go to school without expecting a cancellation just in time for a huge test,” math teacher Peggy Clark said. “I’m glad we’re finally getting rid of time and space. Keeping up with reality was too much of a hassle anymore.”

With the abolition of the Space-Time Continuum, students can expect a heightened sense of anxiety, confusion at simple tasks, and general discomfort and disorientation within the fabric of existence to accompany them in their day-to-day lives. Students may notice glitches in the Matrix or experience unintentional astral projection after this shift. All known laws of physics have been nullified and life will unfold beyond the fifth dimension.

This change will be permanent until the end of the school year, which is an entirely irrelevant term, as linear time no longer exists.

“It doesn’t really matter if school is cancelled or not anymore,” Brown said, pressed against an icy window, his eyes glazed over like frost. “In the end, we’re all just floating about idly within the eternal vacuum of consciousness anyway.”