The Little Hoax: Student Senate Abolishes Gender

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The Little Hoax: Student Senate Abolishes Gender

Members of student senate solemnly decide to abolish gender throughout the school.

Members of student senate solemnly decide to abolish gender throughout the school.

Shoshie Hemley

Members of student senate solemnly decide to abolish gender throughout the school.

Shoshie Hemley

Shoshie Hemley

Members of student senate solemnly decide to abolish gender throughout the school.

Reese Hill, Reporter

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DISCLAIMER: This article and blog, The Little Hoax, are meant to be satirical.  The quotes, reactions, and points of view expressed in this article are meant to be humorous and fictional, and any resemblance to real people is entirely coincidental.

Many of the decisions the student senate has made in the past regarding Homecoming have resulted in controversial responses from the student body. This year, the senate’s debate was on whether or not to get rid of gender categories for students elected to the Homecoming Court. The final verdict? Abolishing gender altogether.

“Blurring the lines between King and Queen for just the Court would be such a hassle,” Moira Boston-Kramerr ‘20, class president, said. “We finally decided to just get rid of gender entirely!”

This change has come as sudden for many students, who have both protested the change and questioned the motivations.

“I’m so frustrated,” Riley Smith ‘20 said, angrily wiping away tears. “My lifelong dream, ever since I was a little girl, was to be Homecoming Queen. Now they’re telling me I’m going to have to be Homecoming Royal?! I just can’t accept this. When I win Homecoming Queen I can’t wait to see the look on the class president’s face.” Smith was not elected to the Court.

After preliminary voting, the court consists of 14 students elected by the senior class—all genderless—that will be brutally pitted against each other to win the hearts of the entire upperclassman body.

Many students have found this change progressive, interesting, and overall positive. From the lack of gender boundaries on the Homecoming court to the new genderless policy throughout the school, many students are enraptured by the awaiting possibilities.

“When I first heard about it, I was pretty upset, and arguing against it,” Morgan Leskowitz ‘20 said. “But now it’s kinda awesome. Nobody uses indicative pronouns like ‘he’ or ‘she’ anymore. We only kind of yell at each other or make grunts while gesturing in someone’s direction. Also, we can all use any bathroom now, which is great, because it means I don’t have to run all the way across the school to get to what used to be the men’s room anymore.”

Teachers have found the effects on the classroom environment to be menial.

“It’s been a confusing shift,” Dr. Hammond, biology teacher, said. “‘Confusing in the sense that I don’t know what all the fuss was about to begin with. I mean, now that we’ve abolished gender, it’s become apparent that we didn’t really know what gender was in the first place. It’s not a tangible change. Kids still wear dresses and kids still play football and they’re acting just as typical to everyday life without the labels as they did with them.”

Overall, the change has been accepted into everyday life, and it appears student life will continue as planned.

“I will admit I was surprised students were upset that the Homecoming court wouldn’t have labels anymore,” Boston-Kramerr said. “It could’ve been a lot more radical. We could’ve abolished the Homecoming Court entirely.” Boston-Kramerr grinned. “But I must admit, I do greatly enjoy a grisly, bloodthirsty popularity contest as much as the next student, so the tradition stayed.”