The Little Hoax: A Student’s Guide to Prom

A satirical guide to surviving the biggest dance of the century.

Lucy Wagner, Reporter

1. Do not ask someone through text message or Snapchat.

Texting “Prom? XD” does not constitute a worthy Promposal.

2. Do not make any last minute arrangements.

I would highly recommend having all plans finalized by the last week of March.

3. Choose a group wisely.

Heads up: Any group over 35 is a big no-no. Does Mesa even seat that many people?

4. Do not be a freshman.

Just don’t do it. If you are, I recommend skipping a grade at least a week prior to prom.

5. Take advice from Sonali “Joan Rivers 2.0” Durham and wear Birks to the dance.

“It was the best decision I’ve ever made in my life,” Durham said when she was interrogated about her fashion choice.

6. Make it a priority to ding-dong-ditch at least 80 people before the dance.

This fun activity will take up the majority of your night, but it will unquestionably be the highlight. You may be able to make it to the last song of the dance, which will hopefully be an a cappella rendition of “Toxic” by Britney Spears.

7. Never look your date in the eyes.

Do you want to feel vulnerable? Do you want your date to get anxious and leave you to play Super Smash Bros.? Do you want them to think you’re clingy? I think not.

8. If you must, grind within reason.

Or the shimmy. Classic.

9. Scratch that – get in the middle of the grind circle and start crying WITH FORCE.

May the force be with you.

10. The morning before prom, workout for at least five hours.

Then don’t shower. Don’t brush your teeth. Don’t eat. Don’t change. This will prove to your date that you are NOT A PART OF THE SYSTEM.

11. Before asking someone to prom, try your Promposal out on your mother.

She will likely say no, but at least you will gain some confidence and develop a closer relationship with your mother!

12. Wear a wedding dress.

This will alert your date that you are not afraid of commitment. You are in it to win it!

13. If all else fails, remember the Fonz.

Enough said.